My life could be a sitcom

"My life could be a sitcom" 01/03/06

In our family sitcom, can I play the kid that has it all together? I wish.

The sitcom can be cleverly titled, "That's Your Family". We'll begin the characters with a paranoid, snotty little sister. We'll add on an unmotivated slightly older step-brother. My character will be the over-emotional, stubborn college freshman. Stir in a step-mom that is an obsessive compulsive cleaner. Add a dad that works too much, and plans too little. Occasionally we'll bring in the lawyer brother and his wife. Then we'll also throw in an older, unique sister to keep the sitcom sane. Then, just for kicks add a racist grandfather who yells from the other room, "HEY!" when he wants something.I can see the first storyline. College kid comes home around 2:00 p.m., after being gone a month. The house is decorated for Christmas and is perfectly spotless. It's so spotless that every time the college kid sets down a glass on the counter, it is immediately snatched up washed twice by hand, and then thrown in the dishwasher for decontamination.

The grandfather yells from his back bedroom, "Hey! Are you home?!" as if the college kid's "Hey Grandpa!" from the kitchen isn't enough for him to realize the college kid's arrival. The younger sister walks by, trying not to make eye contact with the college kid. The college kid directs at the younger sister, "Hey aren't you glad I'm home? I'm glad to see you." In turn the younger sister replies a short, "Eh.." And heads down the basement stairs. The college kid almost forgets to go to see the Grandpa, but is quickly reminded by another "Hey!" from the back bedroom.The college kid walks in to see the Grandpa where he again asks, "So are yah home?". The college kid really wants to say no just to be rude, but instead happily replies,"Yep! It's so exciting." The grandpa is not concerned with how the past month of school has been, but rather the peppered bacon and spicy cheese that is currently in the refrigerator. "That step-mom bought peppered bacon and spicy cheese," he says. The college student is becoming annoyed by the fact that the grandfather can not get over the fact that the step-mom and son are black. So the college student replies honestly, "Dad bought that cheese and bacon, Grandpa." The grandfather really doesn't know how to respond so he finishes with a simple, "Oh." It's not long after though that the grandfather is quick to jump to the next outrageous comment. "There's a black Santa in the living room," he says. The college kid acknowledges the existence of such a Santa. "I've never seen a black Santa," he continues, "In my day there weren't black santas. I'm not racist, I'm just from another time." The college kid tries to smile and politely tells the grandpa that ,"It's just something you're going to have to get over now."

Before the college kid leaves the grandfather's room, he asks the college kid, "When are you goin back to school?" It will only be the 1st of 23 times the college kid is asked that by the grandfather over break.The college kid heads back to the kitchen. The step-brother comes up from downstairs. It is now 3:00 p.m. "I just got up," he says. The college kids laughs a little, but secretly wonders why the dad is allowing this. The step-mom has already taken the second glass that the college kid placed on the counter, and stashed it away in the dishwasher.

The college kid heads to the fridge and grabs a soda. "That's grandpa's soda," the stepbrother explains. Apparently after the departure of the college kid to school the family decided people needed to have their own, separate food in the fridge. The younger sister from downstairs chimes in, "What did you say? Stop talking about me!" The stepbrother and college kid laugh. This makes the younger sister furious, so she stomps upstairs, throws papers around the hallway, and slams her bedroom door. The grandfather yells, "Hey! What's going on?!" from his bed. The college kid is not really in a state to reply, not that there's time before the younger sister storms out her bedroom, flings the grandfather's door open and yells at him ,"Stop talking about me! Mind your own business!."The college kid puts the grandfather's soda back and grabs another glass from the cabinet. The college kid settles for some water and carries around the glass for the rest of the night.

At about 7 the dad comes home. He kisses his wife, grabs some spicy cheese out of the fridge, and starts playing the recorded "Judge Judy" from earlier that day. After the show is over, the dad hugs the college kid, and the dad and the wife go upstairs. The same routine happens every night, so even though the college kid is home, the father and the kid barely see each other.

The next morning the college kid is awakened by pounding on the door. "Hey! Can you get the mail and newspaper?!", the grandfather says from outside the door. The college kid doesn't respond in attempts to continue sleeping, but it is not much later when the college kid receives a phone call from the grandfather asking the same question.This same day, let's say, the college kid only uses 5 glasses, gets called 3 times and yelled at 7 times by the grandfather, is threatened only twice by the younger sister, and sees the stepbrother get up before 2:00 p.m. The dad has a whole conversation with the college kid, and the older siblings come to visit. Things are looking up for the college kid.

My life could be a sitcom. I'd laugh.